Eldest Daughter Syndrome

 What’s your role in your family?

A lot of my core identity and personality traits can probably be traced back to my role in my family: the eldest daughter. I fit the archetype of the oldest child: I am a perfectionist, independent often to a fault, and have been called bossy more times than I care to admit. 

I have a somewhat of a love-hate relationship with being the eldest daughter. I relish that I am the most trusted, that I am tasked with the most responsibility, that I am someone that everyone in my family can rely on. I love that I am the one who plans the family trips, and that I can always offer unsolicited advice to my sisters. Unfortunately, there are drawbacks. Being the oldest is like being the guinea pig–your parents get to experience parenthood for the first time with you, and are far better at it the next time around. 

 

I’m sure a lot of older siblings can relate to their parents being a lot stricter with them compared to their younger siblings. While I had to fight countless arguments for small freedoms, like getting a phone or staying out late, it’s like my sisters can just waltz right through. Furthermore, I was often tasked with responsibilities my siblings would never have to deal with as part of my job as the oldest sibling. Having to nag my baby sister to eat her vegetables, get her to shower, and read her a book before sleeping was often part of my daily routine in elementary school. There were times I would have to be a stand-in parent when I still desperately needed a parent of my own. 

I loved being of service, though: helping write book reports, coming up with games to get my sister to stop crying, and giving advice about friendship drama–advice which, now that I look back on it, was absolutely horrendous. However, though I enjoy offering (often unwanted) help to others, it’s hard for me to ask for the same from my family. I have always felt a self-imposed pressure to be a good role model to my sisters, meaning that it’s hard to present myself as anything less than perfect. While this has motivated me to always do my best, especially academically, it also creates a variety of issues, the largest of which is my complete inability to ask for help. Watching my sisters ask my parents or me for help with social or academic struggles feels wholly alien. It’s not that my parents are unwilling to help me; in fact, it’s the exact opposite, but I struggle with admitting that I need their advice or aid. My hyper-independence is more curse than blessing; I have gone out of my way to cover up my mistakes when it would have been far more beneficial to just ask for help. 

I wrote a lot about all the flaws and baggage that comes with being the eldest daughter, but truthfully, I wouldn’t have it any other way. I love that I can be bossy and get away with it, and that my sisters can always confide in me. Being the eldest daughter has shaped who I am, and I have learned and grown from these experiences. I love that I can share all that I have to give with my younger sisters. Hopefully, I can learn to let go of the pressure to be independent and a leader all of the time, but one thing’s for sure: I don’t trust anyone else to plan the family trip. Leave that to me.